Tuesday, February 08, 2005

Self doubt

Blogging has been slow lately. I have been crushed by work, and I feel like its this relentless pursuit of the Enemy. I really do.
For a few weeks, I have had these thoughts of doubt that have almost been paralyzing. One day last week, I sat in my car before having to go into work for a staff meeting,
just trying to take deep breaths.
I want to believe that I can have it all. That I can live a life of significance, that I can make a difference,that I can leave a legacy, that I am a part of something
bigger than myself. I want to think that I can have a great and challenging career,
that I can provide a good and comfortable living for my family, that my kids will never want for something that they need and that we cannot provide, that I can make a mark on a generation of students, that I can do all of this, and that it will be easy.
It ordinarly would be wouldn't it? Except for the solitary one that doesn't want it to happen. There is a great amount at stake.
What I really should believe, is that it is not even close to being about me having it all. I should believe that God is the catalyst here, the empowering force, the one that drives, paving the way, cutting the path, being the point. And that through His power, and His leading, Satan doesn't stand a chance. And that He knows what is at stake too, and sees even more about what hangs in the balance, what we are really fighting for. And God won't give up on that, no matter how many lies we believe.
Someone from our small group said it well last night, "Satan only has words." God grant us more power to not listen to the lies, catalyze us so that the deceit and self doubt the devil loves to throw at us just turns into mere words that we know are not true. God give us tangible reminders that you lead the way before us and that you have no doubt in your power transforming and enabling us.

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